The Five Horrible Questions You’ll Get Asked This Holiday Season

Our tips and tricks on how to answer the five horrible questions you'll get asked this holiday seasons, so everyone can STFU.

Written By: Lauren Steeves

Our tips and tricks on how to answer them so everyone can STFU.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. You get to chow down on all the holiday baking, drink all the drinks, and catch up with friends and family that you haven’t seen in awhile. And while it all sounds delightful, nothing kills your buzz quicker than when one of your pesky relatives hammers you hard with those horrible personal questions. You know the ones I’m talking about because you get them every year. Of course they vary depending on your relationship status, career situation and personal appearance, but I guarantee you will be faced with at least one awkward question this holiday season.

So rather than letting your boyfriend’s mom win her passive aggressive game, we’ve compiled some answers to those hard-hitting questions so you can walk away from the holiday season unscathed. Consider this our gift to you.

Question 1: Are you seeing anyone?

For all the single people out there, you know you are going to get this question. Obviously it’s none of Aunt Joanne’s business, but she’s going to ask you anyway.

Your possible answers:

a.  “Yes I am. His/her name is Netflix. Things really started heating up this fall and now it’s headed towards a long-term relationship.”

b. “No, I’m not. I know you married Uncle Danny when you were 22, but I don’t believe in lowering my standards.”

c.  “Why you ask Aunt Joanne—are you interested in dating me?”

Question 2: Whatever happened to [insert past partner’s name here] I really liked him/her?

You’re bound to get this question if you brought someone to last year’s Christmas celebrations and this year you showed up solo. I personally love this question because when people ask you they show true concern. Obviously your ex didn’t die, your relationship just bit the dust, but people still need to ask so…

Your possible answers:

            a.     “I didn’t know you were that into him/her, I can give you his/her number. I’m totally fine with you having my sloppy seconds.”

b.     “I was worried you were going to ask Uncle Bill, he/she isn’t here because he/she actually hated you which is what led to our split. Thanks for that.”

c.      “He/She used to call me on my cell phone. But you know when that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing… So that was that.”

Question 3: Are you still looking for a job?

This question is one of the worst. Why? Because just when you think there is nothing worse than job-hunting, you realize that being hounded about job hunting is a thousand times worse. Yes you’ve applied to a plethora of jobs, and no you don’t need cousin Katie reviewing your resume for you.

Your possible answers:

a.  “Well I wasn’t born being North or Saint West, so obviously I’m still on the hunt.”

b. “Not anymore. I’m now following DJ Khaled’s keys to success so I’m obviously set.”

c.  “I actually just applied to work at Hooters, so keep your fingers crossed.”

Question 4: When are you going to get married?

If you are in a long-term relationship and are over the age of 25 you can expect to get this question ALL THE TIME from EVERYONE. Trust me.

Your possible answers:

a.  “I’m actually thinking about waiting until I get pregnant—I’d love a shotgun wedding.”

b. “Never. The premarital sex is just too much fun.”

c.  “Next week. Didn’t you get an invitation?”

Question 5: Did you put on weight?

Why people ask this question is beyond me. It’s insulting, uncomfortable and plain old rude. I firmly believe there is a special place in hell for people that ask this question.

Your possible answers:

a.  “Yes, I gained 175 pounds. It’s called my future mother-in-law.”

b. “Yes I did. It’s a result of all the booze I had to drink to prepare me for this wonderful reunion.”

             c. “I did. I see that you’ve lost some intelligence too.”

Unfortunately we can’t promise that you won’t be bombarded with these awful questions this holiday season. However, we can promise that these answers will keep people’s mouths shut for the rest of turkey dinner and hopefully all of 2016 too.

May the odds be ever in your favour.

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