Written by: Josh Sutton
Here’s some healthy advice for your dating troubles. Our resident dating doctor answers the mother of all conundrums. “Why won’t he commit?”
I am a man and I lack commitment. Or so they say…
I’ve had one doctor for the last 26 years that I drive 50 km out of the city to see. That’s pretty committed. I also have a choice brand and style of underwear, a staple beer I order at every pub, several tattoos, and I’m only on my second hairdresser.
But yes ladies, the assumptions are correct – I fear commitment, or at the very least, committing to you.
Women are often quick to label the man that won’t commit to them or their friend as a jerk who fears commitment. I understand that you might be trying to console each other with assurances that it must be him because “you are the sweetest girl in the world,” but unfortunately, that isn’t always the case.
Now before you curse me, hear me out! I have had a few meaningful committed relationships, many other chaotic lustful ones, and a wide arching smattering in between. I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two about the complicated world of dating.
Early on in my dating life I was clueless. We all were. We grew up viewing relationships around us and pulling behaviors from what we thought was healthy and what wasn’t. From there we started to draw our own ideals.
But when put into practice, those ideals didn’t always blossom into the perfect relationship we thought they would. So yes, if you are seeing a man who is early in his dating life, chances are he is scared to commit. Not because he doesn’t want to [eventually]. The truth is, he is just fucking clueless. Not only is he clueless about what he may want in a partner, but what he wants from himself in his life.
“Times they are a changing” …. NO, times are a constant ever changing puzzle, especially when it comes to dating and what it means to a man. Once a guy discovers what he wants and who he is, which may take longer than you would like, he is sure to move out of his bag and tag phase and start investing some real time and emotion with women.
Milo Yiannopoulous has a great write up called “The Sexodous” in which he explores why men have started to retreat from women into solitude and how feminism has actually left the male counterpart at a disadvantage. While I don’t agree with everything the article says, he’s got some points worth mentioning.
Women today have an ever growing confidence which is by no means a bad thing, it’s wonderful! But with the rise of female empowerment many young men are left even more clueless as how to act.
And we were pretty bad to begin with.
Now a simple compliment to a stranger can lead to a man being called a misogynist, a creep, or worse. So, should we find ourselves fortunate enough to have an intelligent, charismatic, attractive female actually wanting to invest some of her time with us, there is a good chance we’re going to act aloof out of fear. Not fear of commitment, but fear of fucking up.
So we’re clueless and afraid, but there’s even more happening in our heads. Yiannopoulous mentions the cost benefit analysis of relationships for men. This mainly pertains to marriage, but that’s likely where a lot of us are headed, so it’s worth pointing out.
Your “Wedding” board on Pinterest might remain a dream for awhile.
I’ve heard it so many times: “Why won’t he propose?” First off girls, if you have never spoken about it, don’t expect it. I blame Hollywood and those relationship ideals we were discussing earlier.
Marriage is an institution that fails more often than it succeeds. Take a look at divorce history. Now add in the fact that the number one issue couples fight about is money.
Constant social pressures and ideals leave a man questioning if he is going to be a good enough provider. Will he have the means to give his woman and his family everything they want? It’s hardwired into us and the rules have changed; I can’t go club the guy in the cave up the street if there isn’t enough food for my family.
Now this is my own personal stance, but marriage to me on the traditional scale is a horrible investment. A long happy life with one person you trust and love unconditionally is great, but I see no need for the exorbitant cost behind throwing my friends a big party just to show off how good I look in a suit.
To me that money would be better spent investing in our life together; a down payment, or maybe traveling together. You know, things that truly bond two human beings versus a piece of paper. So yes, if “commitment” to you means that piece of paper, you might find a lot of men reluctant to take that step.
If you are happy, enjoy your relationship where it is and stop fretting about what it’s going to look like six months or six years from now. Your man could be fully committed to you at a level he is comfortable with in his life. Just because there isn’t a label, shared house keys, or a ring, doesn’t mean there is someone else.
It might be worth exploring what commitment actually means to you and your man. We’re all in different life phases trying to figure our shit out. We all grew up with different relationship beliefs and ideals. He might be committed to seeing where your relationship goes, it just might look different than what you expected. That’s for the two of you to decide.
And hey, just ask us direct questions [ideally in a calm manor]. We might be afraid of that piece of paper, but most of us are not afraid of being honest.