Written By Katie Tetz
The perks of growing up
This weekend I was bent over laughing in my kitchen as my roommate was reenacting the story of the first time she had sex.
I am not about to tell you that story.
But it did get me thinking back to the beginning where having a ‘sex life’ became a thing.
Oh god, I remember wondering what all the hype was about. It was the same thing over and over again; sometimes awkward, sometimes drunk and sloppy, and usually mediocre. Always a means to an end. Usually his end.
Every issue of Cosmopolitan promised to hold the secret to great sex.
In fact, I just picked up the newest issue because BEST. SEX. EVER. on the cover caught my eye. I don’t know why I still fall for it. It’s the same tricks I tried ten years ago.
A few years of mediocre hookups went by and my number slowly crawled up. Despite various relationships and the studying of many articles promising to hold the secret to multiple orgasms, my mind still hadn’t been blown.
Then, something changed.
One night, before you knew what was happening, some guy flipped you over in one swift movement and got you in the perfect position without even missing a beat.
Woah. What was that?
That would be what I’d call experience.
I think my jaw dropped the first time someone told me that all he cared about was ME enjoying myself. Ok–how he phrased that was a lot dirtier but let’s just say it was made very clear that I was the priority.
Things also got more…vocal. And not just tell-me-what-you-want kind of vocal. Remember the first time you received a compliment? One that you knew they meant. I’m sorry but you can tell when somebody is saying something because they think you want to hear it versus giving you a compliment because you’ve actually just rocked their world.
Suddenly you felt like a sex goddess.
This brought a certain comfort and confidence to the table. Now things got really good.
Regardless of what came first, the guy with smooth moves, the compliment, the putting of you first…somewhere in our twenties sex got good.
My sex life used to just be this thing I did a few times a week when I was in a relationship after a dinner at Moxies. I have a friend who recently got out of a relationship. A few years ago this may have meant that she would remain celibate for months on end and basically declare herself a virgin again.
Now, my newly single friend can still have a wonderful sex life.
Tinder helps a bit.
The other afternoon after a quick visit with me she made a pit stop at a local radio station. She had been matched with one of the radio personalities and “hey whats up” had quickly turned into “what are you wearing” which of course led to a lot of sexting.
She stopped by the station, shared a few pleasantries with him in which she mentioned she wasn’t wearing any underwear, and then had great sex before he had to go back on the air.
I know there’s a lot of rules about how soon you should or shouldn’t sleep with someone. I used to try and follow them. Until I started valuing my sex life as much as I valued time with friends & family. Now I think you should just do what feels right. If you want a quickie at a radio station, go for it. If you really like the person you’re dating and you feel comfortable with them, waiting 5 more dates isn’t going to make a difference if he’s Mr. Right.
That asshole who was supposed to pick me up to go camping and then never spoke to me again, remember him? Well he was of some use. I’ll always remember one thing he had said about our adventurous sex life: I just think there’s so many pleasures in life & why not enjoy them all?
That was a big piece to the how-to-have-great-sex-puzzle: Be open minded.
So. When did sex get good? I don’t necessarily think it was that they got better, or that we got better. I still believe that sometimes you have great chemistry with a person and other times you just don’t. Like Small-Town-Ontario guy and I on the Cowboys dance floor. That wasn’t the beer. THAT was chemistry.
I think it’s a combination of all of the above. Maybe you learn a few tricks and they learn the value of foreplay. But mostly I think it’s our confidence and willingness to try new things.
How sex gets good is like a metaphor for how everything gets good in life. Ask for what you want, be confident, be open to trying new things, and listen to the great feedback you get 😉
We’ve come a long ways since studying cosmopolitan magazines and trying to figure out how to look sexy getting undressed.
Also, I remember reading somewhere that research suggests women have the best sex in their thirties.
That makes me a little less panicked about my looming thirtieth birthday. Plenty more to look forward to girls.