What do you do when your ex is marrying your friend & she doesn’t treat you well?
Relationship Status: Dating 9 months (but is asking about a previous relationship)
From Contender: I had a fairly serious 2 year relationship with someone, but broke it off years ago. We’ve both moved on and she’s now engaged to one of my friends. Ever since the breakup though, she’s absolutely hated me and treated me with nothing but distain. I’ve always been nice and supportive, but we’re in the same social circle and enough is enough. How do I deal with this?
She Said: Ok so there could be many reason why this is happening. The obvious one is that she is still upset about the break up between you two. Either you said something or she simply hates how it went down and can’t get over it.
He Said: And she could still have feelings for you (this happens a lot, even when it appears the other person has moved on).
She Said: She could also be treating you like crap because the guy she is engaged to is insecure. Who knows what private conversations or fights they have had about you. So she keeps her distance to keep him happy.
He Said: Yeah so there are a lot of reasons she could be treating you badly but you want to know how to deal with this. First step would be to ask her out for coffee.
She Said: Don’t have the conversation over text, email or phone. NO ELECTRONICS. Just use the phone to ask her out for coffee and pick a neutral place to meet face to face. If she asks you why? …
He Said: … Just say it’s been a while since you guys have hung out and you wanted to catch up with her. Then in the conversation be honest with her, say that you want to be friends and ask if you have done anything to make her mad.
She Said: It’s best to ask her questions in this scenario. Don’t assume you know why she is not treating you well (there are too many possibilities), she may not even know the real answer because she has been lying to herself.
He Said: Say something like: “So I really want to be friends and sometimes I notice some friction between us. Is there anything I did to cause it? Please be honest, because I would like to apologize.”
She Said: Whatever you do, don’t say “Hey I want to be friends but YOU are a real bitch sometimes.” The moment you say “you” in a conversation (or bitch for that matter), the other person takes it as an attack and automatically defends themself. It closes down communication. Only use I statements.
He Said: Whatever you did or didn’t do doesn’t really matter in the big picture. Just apologize and move on.
She Said: This conversation will be awkward but that’s better than what is happening now.
He Said: The one issue you may have is the guy. If her fiancé is controlling and insecure, she may not ever be able to be nice to you (in front of him). Then you may need to start slowly cutting them out of your life because it may not get better.
She Said: Hopefully, no matter the reason, the next time you see each other you can at least be civil. Although I still can’t shake that there are unresolved feelings between you two.
He Said: Yeah if you are in the same circle it’s hard to get over people if you don’t have time apart.
She Said: Let us know what happens after you talk with her! This is a good one!