How do you know if you’ve found “the one?”

The “She” of He Said, She Said, gives an honest opinion.  Is love really enough?  This time She Said weighs in on the question that haunts us, how do you really know? She Said: Love gets in the way of actually being able to determine if HE is THE ONE.  Love is blind and you are falling all […]

The “She” of He Said, She Said, gives an honest opinion. 

Is love really enough?  This time She Said weighs in on the question that haunts us, how do you really know?

She Said: Love gets in the way of actually being able to determine if HE is THE ONE.  Love is blind and you are falling all over yourself drunk as fuck in love.

Then 10 years later you are crying in your room while he is on an all weekend bender playing video games in the basement in his ripped underwear.

Balls! How did you get there?  Well let me tell you…

There is a way to tell if HE is THE ONE and it has nothing to do with love.  Oh sure you need to have chemistry, especially in bed. Your heart needs to skip a beat when you see him…

But let’s get real, those feelings can happen with more than one person.  It’s why people want to be in relationships or cheat or simply have crazy one night stands.  Oh chemistry, we are so addicted to you, wrapped up in lust, love and emotion. BUT none of those things are the prime indicator of being able to know if he is THE ONE.

* FLASHBACK *

So there I was sitting on my brother’s fiancée’s bed one week before the wedding.  It was shocking that my brother was even getting married, not to mention that he proposed within 3 months of dating her.

My brother always dated but in the end, he wasn’t one to be tied down.  I just figured that he would end up like my uncles, forever single.

Then he met her.

As I sat on her bed, I asked:

“How did you know that my brother was THE ONE?”

When I had asked this question before to a couple of my girlfriends, I always got the ‘throw up a little in my mouth’ standard: “You just know” but this time, my brother’s fiancée didn’t even take a breath, she quickly responded.

“Before I met your brother, I was in a relationship for over 5 years, living with the guy.  Let me tell you, everything was a struggle; we didn’t agree on much, we fought… a lot… and we didn’t even have the same interests.  Sure, in the beginning, there was chemistry but in the end all the other stuff like fighting, not spending time together, no similar interests is what tore us apart.”

She paused for a moment and looked out the window.

“I have watched people stay in relationships for the sake of staying or maybe they are lazy or afraid to be alone, either way they are unhappy.  Constantly picking at each other, eating away at each others souls… but still claiming they are “in love”. How is that love?  Love shouldn’t be hard.”

I nodded and then I added:

“Oh yeah, my biggest pet peeve is when my girlfriend bitches about her boyfriend for hours and then ends with… BUT I LOOOOOVE HIM.”

We both laugh and she continues.

“Yeah it’s bullshit, people are kidding themselves… maybe even lying. When I met your brother, everything was easy.  Yes there was chemistry and all that other shit but I am talking a different level. We got along, we liked the same things, we are both social, we love spending time together and we even had the same type of careers… I am saying SAME a lot, aren’t I?”

“Yeah I am noticing a trend here… ” I responded

“Life is hard, we go through some crazy shit.  The world will hit you with a lot of different stuff; people die, you lose your job, you get sick, your friend betrays you.. you simply have a bad day at work.  Oh and then you have kids…

Life can suck.  Your relationship should be the one safe and happy place you can go to when you get hit in the face by life.  It should be your oasis.  If you are constantly fighting with your partner and you don’t like doing the same things, basically it is a struggle… who cares if you LOOOOOOVE him, if you don’t like him, it will never last.”

* FLASH BACK OVER *

That conversation happened over 12 years ago and it has stuck with me (oh and yes they are still married).

It took me a while but I finally found someone who I truly liked, respected and enjoyed to hang out with.  We laugh at the same things, we love to go to comedy shows, movies and food, oh man are we foodies!  We also have a passion for creating and building, especially diving deep into conversations & seeing things in different ways.

When you have similar interests, outlooks and views on things, it keeps the conversation going and both of you are listening because you are interested!

We are best friends and barely fight.  Sure we have bad days where we nip at each other but it never lasts.  I remember our first real BIG fight, it happened 3 years into our marriage. (oh yes you read that right… 3 years.. I know people who have fought on their 2nd date!)

He stormed out and I slammed the door crying… less than 30 minutes later I got a text that read:

“This sucks, I really wanted to spend the day with you.  I miss you already, you are my best friend, I want to come home.”

I laughed, because I felt the same. So I wrote back:

“Fuck yeah, I feel the same.  Come home.”

Want to know if he is THE ONE?  Stop getting married or staying in relationships because you LOOOOOOOOVE him.

Opposites don’t attract.  It’s BS.  All it does is creates division.  Relationship should be and can be easy.

Start looking for a man that you truly enjoy being around, hanging out with…   Don’t give up the chemistry though.  You can have it all! Friends, love, chemistry.  Some days he will fuck your brains out, others he will make love to you and if you are lucky, he will do all of that in one session!

In the end, your relationship should be easy and natural… because life will slap you upside the head and you need a soft place to land.

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